My dearest Mandy,
Our call yesterday made me so sad. I was quite down till I read my devotional last night. The picture of you sitting on your couch, eating grapes, while patting my precious Baby S to sleep, looking so forlone will be on my mind for a while. There I was on my own couch too, one fussy baby in my arms, the other dancing disco and jumping frantically on the couch like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s sofa 😂 ( I know I am trying to find humor in everything now!)
Hmmm… We talked; our same old talk. Surprised that such energetic, hardworking, independent people like us will be “just” wives and moms. You have moved thrice in the past few years, and I know how exhausted and frustrated you are. I know how much you want this time to be over so you can do you! We kept finishing each other’s sentences, and expressing the same emotions.Babe, no let me lie to you ehn, you are not alone. 😓😓😓 I completely understand your struggles and worries. Just like you, my ultimate fear is meeting our Heavenly Father, and not being able to account for what I did with everything he gave me. Chei, babe, it scares me.😳
After our call, I started asking myself lots of “what ifs”. What if I had asked some key questions before making the first big move? What if I had decided that I won’t move? What if I hadn’t made the last move? What if I chose to be in an “across the ocean” kinda marriage?What if, what if, what if???
In my head, I have the perfect answer and supporting story to those answers, but who says things always pan out that way? For years, I have done the “if onlys”, the “what ifs”, and the “why mes”. Hmmm… How ungrateful I have been!
I am not sure I ever told you this. Six years ago, I felt so so low for making my first big move. I sat for 10 months, regretting my decision, worrying about not getting pregnant, and resenting Mr.X. As I languished in resentment, I ate, and as I ate, I gained weight. The more I ate instead of praying, the farther from God I felt. 😢 I simply didn’t know what to do with myself. One day, I went for a party with hubby. At that party, a half drunk babe came over to me, and in the silly girl’s drunken state, she asked me at the top of her voice why I followed a man half way around the world. She asked if me I didn’t have any plans of my own, and why I had decided to let “me” go. She said some nasty things ehn, while shouting o!People around us heard loud and clear. Jesu Kristi! I wanted to drown. I wished for the floor to split into two like the Red Sea. I sha just wanted to disappear. 🙈 Hubby asked if I was fine, I smiled and said I was. He asked if I wanted to leave, I said I will wait a bit. When I felt this girl wasn’t looking my way anymore, I told my Mr.X that it was time to run! You know this babe followed us??? Entered an elevator packed full, and continued her speech! Well, she also apologized for embarrassing me. Chei! Insult upon injury. With the daggers my eyes were sending this babe’s way, she kuku still didn’t get it. Anyway, we got to our floor, said goodnight and left her.
That night, I waited till Mr. X had gone to bed. I cried so hard, and I prayed harder! I simply asked God to let me feel joy, and a sense of direction in the dark maze I was. That night, HE taught me about seasons.
Just like a tree has a time that it buds and florishes, so does it have a time where all its leaves fall and it seems like all life has left it. Behind the scene though, work is still ongoing. I remember clearly how I took my journal and wrote down my rev! “Mrs.X, even when it feels like nothing good is going on, when it feels like you have hit rock bottom, remember one thing; you will thrive again. Your roots have not been cut; you still have life!”.
In the weeks that followed, I hit the gym, made good friends, started going out for fun events, began a small business, started looking into things to do that will add value to me long term. By a few months after, I had lost over 20kgs, had gained admission for my master’s program with a scholarship in a course and a school I never ever thought I could get into. To top it off, I also found out I was pregnant!
As the years have gone by and other movessss have taken place, I have again forgotten the good periods; those times I cried and asked God why he had chosen to bless me so. Now, it’s “if only… Why me?”
Just like I have stories of these good times, I am so sure you do too! Oya, scratch ya head and remember.😆
Mandy, in this life, there are seasons. I find we have been stuck in this season of ours. We think we are forgotten. In our unhappiness, we have ceased to see the good surrounding us. We have husbands who cherish us (most of the time😝), we have beautiful children, we are healthy, our needs are met, we have each other.🤗 Babe, we have so much to be grateful for.
Our gratitude however doesn’t mean we still do not see that we can do more with ourselves. Our gratitude doesn’t mean we give up on all we can and were made to be. Our gratitude, even in this season helps us to take stock, get perspective, while actively working towards what we desire, soley trusting, that the God who once showed us the way out of our past dark maze will do the same again.
Mandy Mandy…it’s time to smell the roses, it’s time to stop being so sad, morose and frantic. It’s time to be present in each moment. Let’s enjoy the “now”.
Look ehn my babe, this letter has turned to epistle abeg. I will continue tomorrow. Make I go sleep 😆😅😜. ( Let me go to bed).
I love you plenty, and I am so grateful I have you in this season.
Hugs and kisses,