Where do I go from here?

 

I feel so low, out of sync, and very very clueless 🙁

I am so mad at myself. How did I even get here? Where on God’s green earth did I go wrong? What mistake(s) have I made that have affected the way my life is unfolding?

It’s almost ten years since I left college, and I have nothing whatsoever to show for it. Where have the years gone? What happened to all my dreams, hopes and desires? While people were busy working hard at making their dreams come true, what was I doing?

Well, I was busy chasing someone else’s dreams and popping babies! In all honesty, I did not realize how much I was giving up. I put my dreams on the back burner, and convinced myself that I was satisfied with being a mom and wife (More like being the woman I thought my husband wanted). I made myself believe that I was content with watching Mr.X make his own dreams come true. What I didn’t realize, is that as the years have gone by, I have been eroding; slowly fading away.

You see, as I type this, I am asking myself core questions that I once had answers to, and I don’t even know my answers anymore. Questions like “Would you rather be an entrepreneur or have a 9-5 job? What department would you like to serve in Church? or Would you like to raise children outside your home country?”

Thinking now, I find that for the past decade, I have molded my answers by comments Mr.X made deliberately or offhandedly. I have always adored, respected and idolized him.You know what that has caused for me? CONFUSION!!! As he experiences things, he will pass a comment, and I will mold my ideologies to suit “his taste”.  Sitting here at my computer, I am rolling my eyes at me, so feel free to eye me and hiss sef. Just don’t throw your laptop or phone down because you are annoyed with me for being Mrs. X the YES woman.

Anyway, I have so lost me ehn… It’s no joke. I find that instead of lifting my eyes up to know what my heavenly father’s mind is on every issue, especially those regarding MY OWN life, I have looked to Mr.X; a mere human. You see why I feel the way I feel now???

For almost ten years, I have mindlessly followed someone’s plan, making myself believe it was mine. Now, I am so tired, angry, somewhat resentful, and dissatisfied, it is appalling.

Where do I begin to build myself? Where do I even start from? Is it not too late to change things?

I feel so worn….

I have had the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North on repeat, and some lines express how I feel at this time…

“I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I’m too weak, life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

‘Cause I’m worn…”

Artist: Tenth Avenue North

Album: The Struggle

8 thoughts on “Where do I go from here?”

  1. I’m certain many women can relate to this, as so many women are going through this as well… You will find yourself again! keep your head up and live YOUR life… It’s never too late to take just that one step.
    Very insightful read, looking forward to more write-ups

  2. Your candour is admirable. I truly admire the depth of introspection that led you to this point. So excited to see how this journey unfolds and how God will make this work together for your good (Gen 50:20)

  3. Beautiful. You have amplified most women’s experiences with your voice. I saw myself in that beautifully written piece even though mine isn’t because I was following man 🤣And you ain’t nothing wrong with starting out now, there’s never lateness in destiny. When you wake up is your morning! I remember all our childhood dreams, now I see them happening more realistically. Love you girl!

  4. Beautiful. You have amplified most women’s experiences with your voice. I saw myself in that beautifully written piece even though mine isn’t because I was following man 🤣And ain’t nothing wrong with starting out now, there’s never lateness in destiny. When you wake up is your morning! I remember all our childhood dreams, now I see them happening more realistically. Love you girl!

  5. debated a little on which post to comment on… like the writing style but more importantly, felt more that what you write is so relatable.

    Your version of experiences will help encourage others they are not alone.

    Waiting to read more from Mrs X

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *