I feel so low, out of sync, and very very clueless 🙁
I am so mad at myself. How did I even get here? Where on God’s green earth did I go wrong? What mistake(s) have I made that have affected the way my life is unfolding?
It’s almost ten years since I left college, and I have nothing whatsoever to show for it. Where have the years gone? What happened to all my dreams, hopes and desires? While people were busy working hard at making their dreams come true, what was I doing?
Well, I was busy chasing someone else’s dreams and popping babies! In all honesty, I did not realize how much I was giving up. I put my dreams on the back burner, and convinced myself that I was satisfied with being a mom and wife (More like being the woman I thought my husband wanted). I made myself believe that I was content with watching Mr.X make his own dreams come true. What I didn’t realize, is that as the years have gone by, I have been eroding; slowly fading away.
You see, as I type this, I am asking myself core questions that I once had answers to, and I don’t even know my answers anymore. Questions like “Would you rather be an entrepreneur or have a 9-5 job? What department would you like to serve in Church? or Would you like to raise children outside your home country?”
Thinking now, I find that for the past decade, I have molded my answers by comments Mr.X made deliberately or offhandedly. I have always adored, respected and idolized him.You know what that has caused for me? CONFUSION!!! As he experiences things, he will pass a comment, and I will mold my ideologies to suit “his taste”. Sitting here at my computer, I am rolling my eyes at me, so feel free to eye me and hiss sef. Just don’t throw your laptop or phone down because you are annoyed with me for being Mrs. X the YES woman.
Anyway, I have so lost me ehn… It’s no joke. I find that instead of lifting my eyes up to know what my heavenly father’s mind is on every issue, especially those regarding MY OWN life, I have looked to Mr.X; a mere human. You see why I feel the way I feel now???
For almost ten years, I have mindlessly followed someone’s plan, making myself believe it was mine. Now, I am so tired, angry, somewhat resentful, and dissatisfied, it is appalling.
Where do I begin to build myself? Where do I even start from? Is it not too late to change things?
I feel so worn….
I have had the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North on repeat, and some lines express how I feel at this time…
“I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak, life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn…”
Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Album: The Struggle