Here I am again. I have a huge pile of laundry to sort, bathrooms to clean, and meals to cook. At this point though, I have to do some writing. I find writing is quite therapeutic. It helps me put things in perspective, it also helps me unburden.
I have barely slept since my post last night. I’ve been doing some thinking, some praying, and these have taken a great deal of honesty.
You know I mentioned how tired and upset I am with myself? Well, that hasn’t changed in the least. Mrs.X is still very mad at herself. I know however, that I cannot be mad at myself forever. I have to pinpoint areas I know I erred, seek ways to get better, ensure I don’t make the same mistakes, and help others not to fall into the sam pit that I have fallen.
By the way, did I mention thatI have been eating non-stop for the past few days? When I am upset, my fridge, pantry, and pots become my best friends. ( It’s bad, I know. Don’t judge me.) 🙁
I listened to a sermon by a pastor called David Platt over the weekend, and it seems he was speaking directly to me. Mrs.X, if you feel lost, sad and confused,don’t wallow in the ‘woe is me” feeling. Turn to your maker, your first love! He made you, he knows how he wants your life to unfold, HE HAS THE MASTER PLAN for YOU!
Easy abi? Well… I think not! I feel so unworthy and ashamed. I have literally abandoned my first love. My relationship with him has died slowly over the years. I saw a human who seemed next to perfect, and I forgot about my first love. At the beginning of each year or season in my life, I have tried to rekindle my love affair with him, but things have lasted only a few months at best. I am not even sure he still loves me. There are people who chase him more consistently, who seek his will for their lives, and won’t take a step without his leading. So, who am I that he will still love me??? I am so so so not worthy of his love…
Today, Lauren Daigle’s “How can it be” has been on repeat. The following lines couldn’t have expressed my feelings any better.
“I am guilty, ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become.
These hands are dirty, I dare not lift them up to the Holy one.
I’ve been hiding, afraid I’ve let you down, inside I doubt
That you still love me, but in your eyes, there’s only grace now.
…Though I fall, you can make me new
From this death I will rise with you
Oh the grace reaching out for me
How can it be…