Psychology Today says that one’s behavior is self-sabotaging when such behavior creates problems and stands against one’s long-term or long-standing goals.
Ok o. So therefore, by that definition, your dear Mrs.X has been self-sabotaging on a grand scale! I am sure you are wondering how come I have added self-sabotage to my long list of issues. Hear me o…
Mr.X, my hero, my handsome bobo got on the “fitness bandwagon” (that’s how I saw it) a few years ago. This man was dragging me by the hair to join him. I was very upset! You have carried me from the country where I was jejely, or not so jejely (gently) sitting. You bring me to a foriegn land, and then you not only want to starve me in the name of healthy eating, you want me to be running around behind you like a headless chicken too! Impossicant!!! (Meaning Impossible for those of you saner than me).
So, here is what I was thinking. In my head, I was writing him a stinker saying “Dear Mr.X, I am very upset with you for uprooting me from friends, family, and the ministry God has given me. I am very upset with you for making us leave the lives we know to face the unknown. I am upset with you for making me leave all dreams and aspirations that I had firmly set in MY home country! In short, I am very angry with you. You can’t control every aspect of my life. You cannot force me to do anything! Leave me in my lane o! When I am ready to lose weight, I will do it my own way, completely opposite from how you have been doing yours. You are not the only knowledgable one. I am a big and smart geh, and I know what I am doing. So therefore, leave me. Kilode! (What is it?) ”
While he ran upandan (up and down for my tush people), I sat and read novels or watched the food channel! While he asked for vegetables without oil, de-skinned grilled chicken,whole wheat pasta and brown rice, I ate my oily Efo, shaki, ponmo and Ofada Stew with WHITE rice and Pounded yam in great anger. This man once LOVED everything I cooked, and will almost finish a whole pot of food. The food I used to cook as a show of my love, he now kuku didn’t want again. Insult!!! In my own mind, I was revolting o. Silly me! On top of now eating my food alone, I added sneaking chocolates, peanut butter cookies, sweet popcorn and co to the mix. Those ones were my “secret, “after Mr.X goes to bed” treats.
Who have I been fooling? Myself!!!! While Mr.X is now looking hot, I have become Iya apati! ( Fat mama). There are days he will ask for us to go visit his new friends, and I will be so ashamed because they are all health conscious and I haven’t been! I went shopping with sis doc last week, and I mistakenly looked into one of the mirrors. Type 1 error! I was upset! My sis came to me wondering why I was speaking angrily to myself, and eyeing myself in the mirror of a shop! Maybe she had seen people looking at me with concern. (Don’t worry o my people. Madness no dey my list of issues).
Anyway, it was then it hit me like bricks. If I had decided to put my resentment and anger aside and joined hubby as he changed his lifestyle, I won’t be talking to myself in a shop filled with strangers.
Bottom line my people… When you are upset and hurt, think clearly still! When we cry, we are supposed to still see! Never throw out the baby with the bath water (I don’t care if you feel the saying and what I have typed don’t correlate. They do to me, so deal with it!)
Are you hurting, angry or confused, the person you feel is causing your harsh emotions may still be telling some hard truths. Ask the Holy Spirit for grace to set your emotions aside, so you can learn, grow, and get better.
Let me go and sleep abeg. Baby X will be up to eat soon.